admin_website Was This The End?
After having an emergency section and losing a large percentage of my blood during the surgery, I was grateful that my little boy was safe and well. Before I could even hold my baby close to me, I was rushed back into surgery for a second time due to internal bleeding. The cause was unknown and the worry that I didn’t have enough blood within me to clot the inner bleeding was a massive concern for the doctors. Non-the-less, there was no choice other than hope for the best. Being wheeled out to the theatre I said my farewells, not knowing if I would come back around. I remember so clearly the panic of the doctors in the operating theatre. As the doctor held the oxygen mask over my face, I just wanted to shout. ‘Please stop! Let me think for a moment! Let me get my head around this! What if I don’t wake up! What if this is it! I didn’t expect my life to end like this! There is so much I still need to do! I’ve not lived my life yet! Oh God – please forgive me’! No time to reflect I was put to sleep. I woke up several hours later to the sound of heart monitors beeping, oxygen mask on my face, drugged with morphine, wires coming out of every part of me. The surgery had been successful but I was in excruciating pain and could barely breathe, speak or move. Those days after the surgery were a blur. It became all about survival, about healing about getting my energy up and getting back on my feet. God had given me back my life but those early days were a great test on my health. I surprised the doctors though on my physical recovery and was out of the hospital within a week.
On the Mend – The Real Test Begins.
I moved in with my parents for a few weeks after surgery. So here I was, being pampered, well looked after, ‘back on the mend’, grateful for life and a healthy baby. But why was I feeling this sense of loss inside me? This emptiness? Why was there an inner part of me wanting to scream and shout for life to slow down and stop for a moment? I just wanted to reflect yet life was moving at the usual fast pace and I was being pulled back into the commotion of reality. After moving back home several weeks later, I threw myself back into the daily routines and chores of being a home educating mum and housewife. This is when the real test began and one that took me to the lowest and darkest places of my inner world which I didn’t know existed. The more I tried to get back into the ‘swing of things’ the more resistance I was experiencing inwardly. Why was I struggling to do what I had done so effortlessly for years? This wasn’t my first baby. Musa was baby 5! Pregnancy, birth, motherhood, home educating – I had done this for time. I was a pro – wasn’t I? Why was this time any different? I should be grateful for my life, my health and a beautiful healthy baby. So what was wrong?
I showed up every day in my life– I got changed, put on the makeup, smiled and was courteous. My children saw the other side. I would break down emotionally in front of them. I would use language that shocked and revolted me. A language I had never used before. I would simply abandon them at home for hours and go and sit in a café or a park bench for hours, crying or simply staring into space out of guilt and shame for not being able to hold it together. I would come back home and my children would tiptoe around me. Make lunch for me. Look after the baby while I slept. Leave little love notes, apologising that they will be better behaved next time. I was the adult yet my children were being more responsible than me. I would feel bad, apologise, promise to myself that I was going to get myself together – only to find that I had done the same thing again the next day and the next day. I simply wanted to book a one way to ticket to Destination Unknown and simply disappear off the face of the Earth without causing a fuss. I didn’t want drama. I just didn’t want to exist. Why? I didn’t know. I didn’t know why I was feeling like that but I just did. After many months of staying in this downward spiral of thoughts and emotions, I realised that the only person who was going to help me – was me. I needed some focus back in my life. I had always studied formally and informally and for several years now I had been studying the nature of reality and how everything is governed by precise and accurate laws including our thoughts and emotions. I knew I had to get back on track with studying, understanding and applying the tools of what I had learnt in theory so I could change my life.
Project – Me.
For many months after, I simply worked on one project – ME. Everything else became secondary. If I was going to do justice to any of my roles – I had to find me again and bring myself out of this dark place. If I was going to be more productive in life, I had to take some time out from the hustle and bustle of life to develop myself. How is that even possible as a mum of five you wonder? I took advantage of the sacred early hours of the morning. While the world slept – I woke up to be with myself. I meditated. I tried to silence my inner world. I reflected. This was one of the most powerful practices which gave me many insights and openings of what I had up to now overlooked. My body and mind would rage with me as I tried to tame it. I knew it would. I had studied this and so was experiencing it. I stayed with it. The struggle was so difficult initially. Many times I wanted to give up and crawl back under the rock as a victim of life. I was on my own in this. The pain was real, the journey was hard but it was a path that could have only been travelled by myself, on my own.
The journey was both an outward and an inward one. I was purging everything and everyone in my life that was not conducive to my healthy functioning. Some people we cannot detach from physically so I learnt to detach from emotionally. I went from being a hoarder to living like a minimalist. I literally detoxed my home environment and all my belongings. I felt free. Felt the shackles both mentally and physically being thrown off. I could breathe again. The mind fog began to clear. Slowly things began shifting in my inner world and I felt as if I had been reborn again. I was carrying less baggage on all levels of my being. A new self, a new Sayyida re-emerged. With a greater sense of clarity and focus, I realised the value of my test and the importance of what I had learnt as a way of helping others. I was qualifying to become a coach but now I had found my niche. From what I had learnt to help myself, I became a specialist in health and wellness and I understood the mind-body-spirit connection from a place of greater empathy, understanding and wisdom.
Reflection.
Reflecting back now, I know what had happened. I can see why I felt the way I did and why I was struggling to get back to ‘business as usual’. The trauma that I had experienced was more than the physical trauma of surgery. It was emotional and mental in nature also. Unfortunately, we see the person physically looking well and forget that they have an inner part of them that also needs some love and attention. I had experienced a massive paradigm shift, a massive shift in my thinking as a result of the surgery but I was trying to go back to the old way of life and thus was finding an inner conflict and resistance. This is why I kept breaking down. My inner was not aligned with my outer actions. This was so overwhelming for me that I was unable to think clearly and so life became increasingly difficult and seemingly easy tasks became the greatest challenges.
A year and a half later, I am a different person entirely. Yes, I may look the same, but the old Sayyida died on the 14th of January. The new one has more structure, balance, direction and focus. I am stronger emotionally, mentally and spiritually and can detach from the drama of life and find my own inner peace and happiness which is not dependant on external people, circumstances and situations to be the way I want them to be. I still have my challenges, don’t we all? No one is immune to that. However, I can deal better with those challenges which is what we all simply want to be able to do. Life is like a tide. Sometimes the tide will go out and sometimes it will come in. We can’t stop the tide but we can control ourselves from being dragged into without floaters on and the skill to swim through it.
Check-in On Yourself – Life is Blessing.
It is so important that WE are able to recognise the signs of what is happening to us on an inner, deeper level so WE can help to get ourselves out of this when the need arises. We need to be able to check in on ourselves. There is no external emotional or mental monitor or app which we can download that can tell other people how we are doing so it is important that we have the knowledge, skills and understanding to steer through life with greater ease and understanding. We have no choice about what life decides to throw at us but we do have a choice of how we overcome and deal with what is thrown in our direction. Life is ever so precious and the greatest gift we have. My wish is that we can all truly experience the blessing of this and really live our lives to our greatest potential as God has intended.